Bipolar Planet

depression & antidepressants

prozac, lithium, coffee, Poe, creativity, raven, anti-depressants

Lithium 101

a cheery little movie about Lithium-
i learned a few things,
and you might too!

I'm ready for Lithium 102.

Some nights sleep is elusive... some nights it doesn't come at all...and last night was one of those nights.

I found myself wondering if 'depression' is nothing more than the inability to pretend anymore... to pretend that any of this really matters much at all.

So many waking hours get spent behind the masks we make for ourselves to 'pass' as 'normal', or that we are given with the expectation we will wear them and say the right things, at the right times to let the game go on.

Maybe being depressed is actually a kind of spiritual exhaustion, a day, a night, a week, a month where we just can't summon up the wherewithal to make all this mean something anymore... or even pretend we do...

Humans seem to be meaning-making organisms. We make things up - gods, nations, money, even ourselves - and we depend on each other to ratify our individual faith that these things actually do exist, and that they have value, they are important.

But all these notions are as fragile as we are, and knowing this, we naturally prefer to spend our time with those who hold these 'truths' to be really real too.

But maybe alone, on a dark night, we know better. Maybe, we know worse.

Maybe we don't know a damn thing.

Check Your Meds!

... so much of life as we know it
comes down to chemistry...

a little more of this,
a little less of that
and "wow"....

but don't take too much...

unless you're ready
to go for a ride too...

- 30 -

Brand Names vs. Generics

brand name drugs vs. generics.
it's a topic that comes up a lot when living
with psychopharmaceuticals, and any other
health issues where medication is part
of the treatment.

it even comes up
when you have a headache.

[source]

Save Me from True Believers

one of the ten million things i don't understand
about the universe is why religious fundamentalism
isn't called a mental illness.

people get diagnosed for
manifesting a lot less.

there are people walking among us
who really think the creative force
behind the universe has them
on speed dial.

they believe he/she/it talks to them
and weirder yet, listens to them.

i'm all in favour of a positive self-image - i wish i had one - but doesn't this level of self esteem concern you a little?
it gives me the bigtime willies.

funadentalists are dangerous. verily i say unto you
that if these people hear the wrong thing
in their head one night, they will kill
you and every one you know
in your sleep.

yea and they will do it with a song
in their heart, thrilled to be serving 'god'.

they'll believe they are "doing the right thing"
more than you ever believed anything
in your life.

they're not only doing the right thing,
they are earning mad heavenly air miles.

while you bleed out, 'god' is packing them
a special goody bag for the hereafter,
and bumping them up to
the business class eternal.

how do they know?

'god' told them.

duh.

if this isn't delusional,
what is?

i'd sleep better knowing these people
had been professionally diagnosed
and were adequately medicated...

and were forbidden to own
high-powered weapons.

Know What I Mean?

...sometimes for a minute or two.
sometimes, longer.

hey Moe.

hey Larry!

Bipolar Celebrities

i know it's a good thing when bipolar celebrities go public with their diagnosis.

for a minute or two, there's more information going out about what bipolar is, and what it is not, it puts a face on it, it chips away at the stigma, etc etc etc...

but it's not all good- ie - it's not all good for me. it seems to activate something back in my lizard brain, something small, and kind of nasty. i'm not proud of it, but i'm not going to pretend i don't feel it either.

i get really envious when i see those to whom attention is already given get more, because i'm starving for it. i'm envious because once you are a bipolar celebrity, you don't have to talk about with anyone anymore.

you don't have to worry about who you can trust with that information. you don't have to wonder if you should tell the next person you meet, or a potential employer.

ms. zeta-jones' phone will ring next week as much as it did this week, or last week. carrie fisher's too. they got work, and they'll get more. they were amazing people before, and now they are even more amazing.

there's more information going out, there's a face on it, but if there's less stigma, it's because one less person living beyond it's influence, not because it's going away anytime soon.

but when the headline moment moves on, i am so frickin' depressed i can hardly talk. every awful thing i ever thought about myself is true. in fact, i am even more useless than i thought. it's at least possible that every awful thing anybody else ever said about me is true too.

look at these people! they are bipolar and amazing. i'm a fucking loser who's also bipolar. what a sack of shit i am. what a waste of a skin.

bipolar celebrities don't have to worry about money for meds this month, or waiting on a maybe to see someone who might really help. people don't 'whatever' them when they talk about it, they listen. they buy tickets to hear them talk about it. they buy their books about it.

the only people who who listen when i talk about bipolar living are a few friends who are bipolar too. there were about 3 people who really gave a damn when i wrote a book, and i was one of them.

i said it wasn't pretty.

i don't dislike anyone who is positive, creative and trying to make things better while trying to make sense of whatever it is we are... and when celebrities go public with their agnosis, they are doing all this and more.

my problem is that i don't like me very much.

- tbc -

Drugs in Canada... pharmaceuticals!

here are a few interesting windows
into the pharmaceutical facts of life
in the True North...

generics - friend of the medicating!

i've always suspected life
is better in Saskatchewan.
looking at this,
it might be true!

...but then (of course) there's Quebec -
always special, and plus unique.

c'est si bon!

do people with mental challenges
do their part for drug companies'
bottom lines? you betcha!

we're number 2!

it's good to know some
of that money goes back
into the community.

sort of.

Big Pharma & your life

what does it mean
when the good news
is that Lipitor is marked up
less than 5,000%?

[source]

Obsessive Compulsive Disorder - is it funny?

like many mental challenges,
most of the time it's not...

and like many mental challenges,

www.savagechicken.com

sometimes it is.

Take this simple test

patients entering Cane Hill Hospital
were required to respond to these questions...

P. AND P.I. QUESTIONNAIRES
PERSONALITY QUESTIONNAIRE (HDHQ)

Instructions:-
Please fill in this form by putting a circle round the "True" or the "False" after each of the statements below. If you find it difficult to decide, ask yourself whether you think the statement is on the whole true or false and put a circle round the appropriate word.

Remember to answer each statement.

   1. Most people make friends because friends
       are likely to be useful to them.

   2. I do not blame a person for taking advantage
       of someone who lays himself open to it.

   3. I usually expect to succeed in things I do.

   4. I have no enemies who really wish to harm me.

   5. I wish I could get over worrying about things I have
       said that may have injured other people's feelings.

   6. I think nearly anyone would tell a lie to keep out
       of trouble.

   7. I don't blame anyone for trying to grab everything
       they can get in this world.

   8. My hardest battles are with myself.

   9. I know who, apart from myself, is responsible
       for most of my troubles.

10. Some people are so bossy that I feel like doing
        the opposite of what they request, even though
        I know they are right.

11. Some of my family have habits that bother
        and annoy me very much.

12. I believe my sins are unpardonable.

13. I have very few quarrels with members
        of my family.

14. 1 have often lost out on things because I couldn't
        make up my mind soon enough.

15. I can easily make other people afraid of me,
        and sometimes do for the fun of it.

16. I believe I am a condemned person.

17. In school I was sometimes sent to the principal
        for misbehaving.

18. I have at times stood in the way of people who
        were trying to do something, not because it
        amounted to much but because of the principle
        of the thing.

19. Most people are honest chiefly through fear
        of being caught.

20. Sometimes I enjoy hurting persons I love.

21. I have not lived the right kind of life.

22. Sometimes I feel as if I must injure either myself
        or someone else.

23. I seem to be about as capable and clever
        as most others around me.

24. I sometimes tease animals.

25. I get angry sometimes.

26. I am entirely self-confident.

27. Often I can't understand why I have been so cross
        and grouchy.

28. I shrink from facing a crisis or difficulty.

29. I think most people would lie to get ahead.

30. I have sometimes felt that difficulties were piling
        up so high that I could not overcome them.

31. If people had not had it in for me I would have
        been much more successful.

32. I have often found people jealous of my
        good ideas, just because they had not thought
        of them first.

33. Much of the time I feel as if I have done something
        wrong or evil.

34. I have several times given up doing a thing
        because I thought too little of my ability.

35. Someone has it in for me.

36. When someone does me a wrong I feel I should
        pay him back if I can, just for the principle of
        the thing.

37. I am sure I get a raw deal from life.

38. I believe I am being followed.

39. At times I have a strong urge to do something
        harmful or shocking.

40. I am easily downed in an argument.

41. It is safer to trust nobody.

42. I easily become impatient with people.

43. At times I think I am no good at all.

44. I commonly wonder what hidden reason another
        person may have for doing something nice for me.

45. I get angry easily and then get over it soon.

46. At times I feel like smashing things.

47. I believe I am being plotted against.

48. I certainly feel useless at times.

49. At times I feel like picking a fist fight
        with someone.

50. Someone has been trying to rob me.

51. I am certainly lacking in self-confidence.

Please check to see that you have given answers
for every statement.

years away, i get a strange feeling reading these statements.

now, they can read like a final screening
for admission to an MBA program, or
something one might ask a potential new
room mate, or add to a pre-nup with
a fiance.

they are plain-spoken, intimate and cold.
true or false. save the qualifiers and the back story for group, or maybe craft time.

i haven't done it yet.
who would i hand it in to?

***

this is from just one page from one part of an amazing site created by Simon Cornwell. it is amazing for the depth and complexity of it's story about a derelict, ex-lunatic asylum in England.

rather than gush effusively,
here's the link.

The Cult of Cane Hill

thanks me later. thank Simon first.