well, i'm in a new orbit.

the Lithium is definitely having an effect...
and i'm still trying to articulate just what,
exactly, or even approximately, that effect is.

i talked with my new pdoc about why i had vetoed
Lithium as a possibility years ago when i was first diagnosed. in my mind, Lithium was the proverbial chemical
lobotomy, the ticket to zombie-ville.

i envisioned myself shuffling around the house in track
pants and slippers in my bathrobe, guzzling coffee to
stay awake and sitting in a chair, staring off into space without a clue of any kind going through my head...

Lithium - the only rock that floats

kind of funny really, because that's what i was
doing anyway before i started taking it.
which is why i was open to his idea of giving it a try.

i'd been feeling so awful lately that i was open
to anything that brought the possibility of feeling
less this way. if he'd suggested ECT, i probably
would have shrugged and said "sure. what the hell..."

oh look - it's Lithium!

i didn't then/don't now think it's bad thing
to have mixed feelings about ingesting a substance
used in batteries, baseball bats and pottery glazes.

it might even be a sign of mental health.

despite all my reading, and what i've learned
from others' experiences, there is still a dark
shadow on the edge of my consciousness
about this particular drug.

so far, it doesn't seem too bad.

when my Muse asked me how i was liking my new
lithiated brain, i said "it feels like somebody has
moved out of my head, but i'm not sure if i'll miss
them or not

it's definitely not as dark inside my head
as it was a month ago, and that's a good thing.

what was a sense of absence when i talked
with my Muse now feels more like a distance.
like "things" can't get as close to me as they once did.
my boat is not so easily rocked.

am i getting over myself?

... or am i snuggling up to my lobotomy?

Worth Lithium Storm HyperLite

how should i know?

one of the strange gifts that comes with living
la vida medicado is this keen awareness of just
how flexible... how fragile... how curiously arbitrary
the whole "reality" thing is...

John Cade, who discovered Lithium's
effect on humans

my biggest fear was my creative energy would dissolve,
fade away, whatever and it's a big fear.
it's the one true enduring joy of my life
and if that candle did flicker or fade away,
my world would be dark beyond redemption.

so far, that doesn't seem to be the case.

Lithium - the pill

i'm pretty diligent when it comes to work.

some of this is probably that bipolar tendency to get fixated on something, but some of it is my upbringing.
my parents and grandparents were very clear about
pulling one's freight and honouring the one's
commitments to others.

my pills look like this

i don't expect my meds to do all the heavy lifting
when it comes to my brain and my moods. i know
i need to "do stuff", like get some fresh air, eat,
hydrate and apply myself to my 'work'.
such as it is.

"Lithium" - the 3rd single
from "Nevermind"

in the past year, i've written about a hundred
"little stories", created about a thousand comics
and taken several thousand photographs.

my discipline in sticking with it helps with my self-image, and i've become better at all of them than frankly i ever thought i could be.

but it still adds up to nothing...

... no income, no new doors opening, not even
any real sense that it's possible or likely.

hence, the lithium... i guess.

for now, i'm taking my meds,
like a good little head case and trying
to "do stuff".

i'm also wondering. it's often said among the mental
that "you are not your symptoms". so who am i now?

am i my medications?




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  2. Congratulations on being able to feel good about all the things you've accomplished.

    It's easy to invent negative futures. I ward that off by continually digging for things to be GRATEFUL about instead. It definitely makes 'here and now' more tolerable ... and I feel positive about the future more often. Go figure.

    My new security blanket is that First Nations' saying... "Everything happens exactly when it should".