Portrait of the artist as bipolar

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15 Fascinating Quotes on Mental Health

Love is a serious mental disease.
― Plato






I'm not a big fan of psychoanalysis: I think if you have
mental problems what you need are good pills. But I do
think that if you have things that bother you, things that
are unresolved, the more that you talk about them,
write about them, the less serious they become.
― Stephen King




If the national mental illness of the United States
is megalomania, that of Canada is paranoid schizophrenia.
― Margaret Atwood






In the past, men created witches: now
they create mental patients.
― Thomas Szasz






When you've been locked up in a mental institution,
people are going to ask questions. It was OK,
because I didn't have to act perfect all the time.
― Drew Barrymore







“I wanted to tell her that if only something were wrong
with my body it would be fine, I would rather have
anything wrong with my body than something wrong
with my head, but the idea seemed so involved and
wearisome that I didn’t say anything.
I only burrowed down further in the bed.”
― Sylvia Plath, The Bell Jar








“depression in its major stages possesses no
quickly available remedy: failure of alleviation
is one of the most distressing factors of the disorder
as it reveals itself to the victim, and one that helps
situate it squarely in the category of grave diseases.”
― William Styron, Darkness Visible: A Memoir of Madness










“My life isn't good or bad. It's an incredible series
of emotional and mental extremes, with beautiful
thunderstorms and stunning sunrises.
Some would say this is my artistic temperament.
Others would say i am mentally ill or bipolar.
I SAY... it's a bit of both and i make the most
of them, CREATIVELY.”
― Jaeda DeWalt






“Bipolar illness, manic depression, manic-depressive
illness, manic-depressive psychosis. That’s a nice way
of saying you will feel so high that no street drug can
compete and you will feel so low that you wish you had
been hit by a Mack truck instead.”
― Christine F. Anderson, Forever Different: A Memoir of
     One Woman's Journey Living with Bipolar Disorder







“I get absolutely shitfaced. I am shitfaced and hyper
and ten years old. I am having the time of my life.”
― Marya Hornbacher, Madness: A Bipolar Life






“People with BPD are like people with third degree
burns over 90% of their bodies. Lacking emotional
skin, they feel agony at the slightest touch or movement.”
― Marsha Linehan






“My heart keeps begging me for a reason to keep
beating, but I'm running out of lies to tell it”
― Stephanie Ware







“Depression: the healthy suspicion that modern
life has no meaning and that modern society
is absurd and alienating.”
― Neel Burton, The Meaning of Madness






Sometimes the appropriate response
to reality is to go insane.
― Philip K. Dick





“If being sane is thinking there's something wrong with
being different....I'd rather be completely fucking mental.”
― Angelina Jolie

What is "Manic"?

It's not the clinical definition,
but as a user it works for me...


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Bipolar humour

If you're bipolar and you're taking medication,
this will probably make you smile. It may also
invoke a moment of "been there, done that".

Being bipolar means i am, relative to most people,
living in an altered state. When one takes medication,
one is also living in an altered state- albeit one that 
allows one to function more better, more often.

That's the theory anyway, and for many of us, 
it holds true more often than not.

But from time to time, one can't help but wonder 
"Who am I really?". Who am I when I'm not on drugs?
Does the world still affect me the same way it used to
before the medication? What am I really feeling?

Compliance, for me, is a matter of percentages.
The longer I live with this diagnosis and the longer
I take medication, the more I become aware of how
it's affecting me. There's also a resentment factor that
creeps in along the way... something along the lines
of "fuck this- other people don't have to take drugs
every day just to be who they (sort of) are. Other
people don't have to spend $200 every month just
to be a human being.


Childish, I guess... but nonetheless real (sic).


*


Bipolar Humour 2
(or should that be Bipolar 2 Humour?)

I'm at my shrinks' for my regular appointment
to get my meds renewed and we're running the
checklist of usual questions.
He gets to the one about suicide:

"Any thoughts recently about self-destruction?"

"No more than usual".

There's a pause. We both smile
and move on to the next question.


Another example..

and the beat goes on.
La-de-da-de-dee...



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Bipolar versus Normal

Sometimes i wonder what life would
be like if i wasn't bipolar.


What would it be like
to be Normal?

Not like... forever or anything...
but maybe for a day.
An afternoon, perhaps,
or maybe an evening.

How would i react to things i like?

Would i find Beefheart and Dali strange
all of a sudden?

If i was suddenly Normal,
would i find things that usually make me
want to barf suddenly 'cute'?

Would i find myself more at ease in the world,
or just uneasy in another kind of a way?

Would i stop noticing all the sights and sounds
around me that 'distract' me from 'what's going on'?

Would i think fewer 'dark thoughts'
and more wonderful ones?

Would i feel trapped?
Claustrophobic?


Calm?

Would things creep me out less?
Or more?

Or would it all be pretty much the same,
only without the meds?

,

a Bipolar-positive perspective?

i've taken somewhere around fifty thousand
photographs in the last ten years or so.

Somewhere along the line it dawned on me
that it was my way of mapping my world...
of capturing a handful of the thoughts that
were racing thru my mind as i wandered around.

On the rare occasions i ever looked at them again
afterwards, i realized that these images were also
a kind of diary.

This was partly due to the fact that i file them away
by date, but it was also because looking at those images
i could tell you where i was that day, and what the day
was like and what else happened that i didn't take
a picture of and so on.

But in the last couple of years i've also found
myself thinking that these images are also a way
of communicating, in some small way, to other
people what one person's bipolar experience
was like sometimes.

This is what the world looks like to me.

This is what the world looked like to me
wandering around a more tropical zone
than i usually live in ... sort of.

i say "sort of" because my wanderings - and
hence my image-making - are rarely as tidy
or as linear as a posting like this might imply.

Between one plant here and another there
might have been buildings, birds, statuary,
graf, clouds and anything else i might have
stumbled over along the way.

In that sense, just posting all the images taken
on a given walk would be a more accurate portrait
of a/my bipolar experience*.

At the same time there is something to be said
for a thematic approach too, and respect for one's
audience is one of those things. If one is going
to try and communicate, i think it behooves one
not to waste anybody's time...
including one's own.

i don't spend a lot of time trying to "get" a picture.
i may take two or even three photographs of something
trying to capture what i'm after, but that's it.

If i haven't "got it" by the third shot,
then i'm not really clear on what i'm after.

Why do you or anyone else need to see
a photograph that i don't think captures "it"?

Likewise, i don't spend a lot of time fussing
with the images once i've got them. i might
tweak the cropping or sweeten the contrast
or the colour, but if it takes more than five minutes
i'll bail... partly because again, if it needs more
work than that i didn't "get it" and need to work
on my skills, not try and fix it in the mix.

As John Lee Hooker used to say...
"That's the best, and later for the garbage".

None of the above has a lot to do with what
was on my mind when i set out to post these.

What i wanted to do was collect some of the images
on this theme where i really felt that i had got "it"...
(or come very close at least) as a way of speaking
to the perspective that most people - including
many of the diagnosed - have about "bipolar disorder".

i would not for a minute deny anyone else's
bipolar experience or their right to speak
about it in whatever terms they want,
and likewise for their friends and family,
or medical professionals or who-have-you.

The reason i started this blog was to have
somewhere that i could do exactly that,
and what this post was supposed to be about
is that i really really hate having my life,
my experience of the world characterized
as "a disorder".

One of the reasons i hate it so much
is that characterizing this way of being
as a "disorder" can very easily become
a self-fulfilling prophecy.

As soon as one is diagnosed,
one becomes "the other".

Hello stigma.

* hmmm... note to self.


*

How Stupid is the War on Drugs?

The chances are pretty good that you are...

They may have been prescribed for you by
a physician. You may have bought them over
the counter at a pharmacy... perhaps for a
cold, or a headache, or back pain...

You may have bought them from someone
you know, for a good time or to self-medicate
for a condition where there's nothing else
that seems to work.


You may have bought them because you no longer
have any choice- your body demands it now,
whether you feel like it or not.

Maybe you just need that double-shot to go
from the coffee bar on the way to work.

Welcome to the War on Drugs.


It began in the 1960s- another brain child
of Richard Nixon. It was mostly a cynical
undertaking designed to bump his standings
in the polls, and it worked.

After he was re-elected, one by one states
began to pass tough drug laws and sent cops
out to enforce them.

It is now the longest running war in American history.


It is also the most expensive. By far.

Over the last 49 years it has grown and grown
and grown. It is now an American institution.

And by any standard of measurement,
it is also a complete, a total, an utter failure.

The War on Drugs is now an American institution.
Like any other bureaucracy, it's primary mission
now is its' own survival... and growth.

In most of America, it's an easy sell. It smells of
Law and Order. It's central to Tough on Crime. And yet, despite the billions of dollars being spent
every year, drugs are now more powerful and more
available in more places than ever.

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Happy "Let's Talk" Mental Health Day!

Happy "Let's Talk" Mental Health Day!

Does that sound cynical?


It's not intended to...


It's now about 6pm on "Let's Talk" day*, and if the local news
is to be believed, there has been a lot of talk-
people posting/tweeting/w.h.y. about depression and other
manifestations of mental illness today so much that Bell
is kicking 57,000,000 nickels towards "improving care
and access, stimulating research and encouraging best
practices in the workplace.".


That's a lot of nickels.

Big respect and thanks to Clara Hughes for stepping
up to front this undertaking. She's my nominee
for "best use of cred".

And fair's fair - respect to Bell for doing something good
in the world. Yes, it's a mad bang for the ad buck buy,
but people are talking. That is a good thing, and in my
experience, rare enough to remark on.


It's even getting talked about during the sports report.
Amazing!

One can't help wondering what sort of world this might
be if more corporations-that-are-also-people showed
some fucking humanist initiative.


*


But all this 'good' is not without it's ironies...

Such was the result of my attempt to check out the web site. There's always room for improvement.

It's now about 7pm, and according to the local news,
it's up to about 62,000,000 nickels. Sweet.

This is my 4th post so far, and I'll probably do another
to kick it up to a quarter (as in 5 nickels, baby!).

It's not like I don't have quarters laying around the house.
It's not like I feel like I'm I'm stickin' it to the Man by costing
them money every time I do...


...but it is like "today's your day day, boyo.
Today you don't have to be ashamed".

I was diagnosed as bipolar 2 nearly ten years ago.
It was mostly a relief, frankly.

Why? Because it meant everything wasn't my fault.

All those days when I would lay in bed, so sad and broken
that only the thought of letting someone down that I cared
about could get me up.

All those meetings where I'd feel like a fricken'
Martian every time I suggested a possibility.

I could go on for days. Sometimes I do...

  Why not? I've got the time...

I used to be "high-functioning". I used to be one of the best
in the country at what I did. I used to make shit up,
and then build crews to make it happen and together
we would turn it into magic.

That was then. Now, I'm just another broke-ass guy
in a broke-ass town. I'm 58 years old, and I haven't worked
for years. I'll probably never work again.

My doctor is not equipped to deal with my medication needs.
I used to go see a shrink for that, whose practice was
a mere two hours a day, but he's gone now.
Nobody knows where.


I'm hoping I can get a welfare claim running soon.
I used to hope for a disability claim, but that apparently
those can take nearly five years to get going.


In the meantime, my Mom stretches her pension 

to include me. And my dog.

Even if I wasn't pre-disposed, it would be depressing.
And the beat goes on...

*


So, there you go. That's me celebrating Let's Talk day...
by talking about depression, and mental illness, and stigma.

*

If I was to try and boil it down to one thing I would say
to everyone who is not bipolar, it would probably come
down to this:

... that's my nickel.














* Bell has launched a campaign to encourage discussion
of mental health issues in the lead-up to its national
"Let's Talk Day" on February 8.
Bell introduced the mental health initiative in 2011,
committing to spend $50 million over five years in a bid
to change Canadians' attitudes on the subject.
Besides deflating the stigma around mental health,
the campaign also focuses on improving care and access,
stimulating research and encouraging best practices
in the workplace.

Read more: http://www.ctvnews.ca/bell-launches-2012-let-s-talk-mental-health-campaign-1.754199#ixzz2KjNXQQUc

The campaign against depression

Bell launches 2012 'Let's Talk' mental health campaign

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Depression - the dark, dirty secret

Is curiosity an inherent part of living bipolar?

One person is not much of a statistical sample, but it's
certainly part of my bipolar experience, Ever since I was
diagnosed, I have read a lot about "my condition".

Sometimes I learn useful things. Sometimes it makes
me laugh. Sometimes all it does is make it clear how
much of my bipolar life is not studied/discussed/etc...

Case in point: depression.

It's not that depression is not studied/discussed/etc-
if anything, it seems to be the primary focus of most
studies and discussions but from my perspective, there's
one key element of depression that never seems
to come out.

How fucking boring it is...

Being depressed is central to the bipolar experience,
to the point where unfortunately it virtually defines it.
By comparison, "mania" or as I call it "the fear of mania"
is a very distant second place.

Depending on whether you are BP1 or BP2, and just how
BP1 or BP2 you are, you may well spend over 60% of your
life being depressed. When one factors in the time spent
transiting into or out of depression, the odds are you will
spend most of your life being slightly to seriously depressed.

Often, this is a fact of life that is largely out of one's
personal control. Medication and/or various "lifestyle"
choices (nutrition, exercise, etc) can mitigate or even
minimize the impact of one's personal dark tide, but it
will always be a part of life.

And anyone who doesn't think that that this gets really
boring after a while (a) has never been there, (b) is living
in a very active state of denial or (c) is suffering from an
almost total failure of the imagination.

The darkest of the dark sides of depression is called "suicide
ideation". That's jargon-speak for "suicidal thoughts". Again,
depending on whether you are BP1 or BP2, and just how BP1
or 2 you are, this is probably a significant part of your
bipolar experience.

When these thoughts first start coming on, they can be very
frightening. Then, as time goes on they may even become
(and here's another dirty little secret of depression for you)strangely comforting.

That may sound very strange to some, but when most of
one's waking hours are spent in varying states of depression,
when all one can think about is what a worthless sack of
shit one really is, it is not really as strange as all that to
know that to find some slight comfort in the fact that
there is a way to never feel like that anymore.

But again, in my limited experience, once one was actually
explored the possibility of taking that step, and done some
research, and perhaps even decided on which way one
would do the deed, it gets really old, really fast.

To have the same thought recur, over and over, against
one's will is a great big goddamn bore. At some point, it can
even become as big a problem as the original feeling of
depression that brought one to thinking about suicide in the
first- ie- it is so, so, so boring to continually find ones' self
thinking about it (again, against one's will) that one can
start to crave release from how boring it is...














It's not a bad thing to confront life's most fundamental
question - to be or not be - once in a while. It's not a bad
thing to pause on occasion and look at one's life to see
if one has or has not been the kind of person one aspires
to be.

In fact, I don't think it's something that "normal" people
seem to do enough, frankly.

But as a full-time thing?

It's worse than useless. It's destructive. It takes the time
and energy one would like to like to put into doing useful
things in the universe, liken trying to change the
government or doing the laundry.

And when it is a state of mind that one has little or no
control over, it is almost a meta-state of depression
wherein one gets depressed about being depressed
all the time.

And when it goes on for days, and then weeks,
and then sometimes for months, 24/7?

It gets boring. Really, really, really boring.






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